What is it about?
Minimalism of the 21st century is not about how we look from the outside at all, but about how we like to live for ourselves, enjoying ourselves to the fullest without feeling guilt and anxiety about wasted money, time and resources. Frenchwoman Dominique Loro, author of The Art of Simplicity, says in an interview, “Many people think that minimalism is about getting rid of everything unnecessary. However, throwing away doesn’t mean just culling what you need, no. It means making room for the things we truly love. There is an aesthetic aspect to minimalism – you leave only the most beautiful, the best. There’s also a philosophical aspect: it’s a teaching that helps us look at our lust for possessions and greed, which a clearly unhealthy society forces us to develop in ourselves. Minimalism has an element of hedonism: what gives us real pleasure, it invites us to savor in full.
Japanese example
Minimalism is a trait of the Japanese character. The inhabitants of the Land of the Rising Sun have always been able to create a garden out of a couple of stones and an interior out of tatami and rice paper. One orchid in an empty white room can make a much stronger impression than a gallery filled with paintings and sculptures. One doll pleases much more than a child’s room in which there is nowhere to step from the toys. Two beautiful dresses for work and one beautiful one for parties, hanging in the closet, completely removes the problem of “nothing to wear”. Seems like simple things, but it can take a lot of time and effort to answer the question “what do I really want?”. That’s why in the West there are consultants who help you maintain minimalism, structure your life and get rid of unnecessary things.
Minimalism in relationships
Likewise with people in the environment. Life is not rubber, why waste it on those who are unpleasant to us? Followers of the philosophy that extols minimalism, recommend crossing out of your environment unnecessary people, choose with whom to communicate, and whom to ignore. There are five steps to simplify the task.
Identify and eliminate toxic people
There are people with whom you feel beautiful, witty and all is well with you, but there are others who seem to emphasize your imperfection with their mere presence. Svetlana Roiz, a psychologist and member of the European Professional Psychotherapy League, calls the former radiators and the latter toxic personalities who live in discord with themselves.
Toxic ones – unfortunately, they are the majority – regularly bring bad news, criticize, whine, overstep their boundaries, try to impose unnecessary things, downplay the successes of the interlocutor, shift their work onto him. After communicating with them, you feel used, devastated, have internal monologues (“you should have said this and that!”), feel guilty and angry at yourself – no one pulled you to that meeting at gunpoint!
To calculate unproductive contacts, Alexander Nekrasov, minimalist, blogger, traveler, recommends to write out on a piece of paper all those with whom we interact, and slowly go through the list, remembering your feelings from communication with everyone. Warm, joyful? A plus. Discomfortable – minus. With “plus people” we continue to strengthen the relationship, with “minuses” we say goodbye.
– It can be sad to realize that the list of people with a plus sign is almost empty,” Nekrasov reflects. – Because of this, many people are hesitant to break off toxic relationships, because it’s unusual and scary to be alone. For a while, indeed, the space around you may be empty. But then your people – those who are on the way – will be attracted to the free niche that has been created.
Do not deal with those who try to devalue us, because selective attitude to the inner circle of communication – a sign of respect for themselves.
Get rid of the burdensome ties of the past
According to Tatiana Zhdanova, director of a corporate branding agency, “clearing” the space around you from acquaintances with whom you do not develop is somewhat artificial.
– Even unpleasant personalities can be useful: communicating with them teaches you to manage anger, to control irritation,” she justifies her opinion. – But in any case, when accepting a person into your social circle, it is important to take into account the existence of common values and the balance of negatives and positives. A friend once told me about the “DEFI method” (D – money, E – emotions, F – physics (body), I – intellect). The sum of pluses and minuses by letters should be equal. For example, a person lost money (E) by investing it in communication with a coach or a trip to a close friend, but gained valuable thoughts (I) or positive emotions (E). Or, on the contrary, he was nervous and upset a lot (E), having agreed to a project with an unpleasant team, but his wallet won (E).
Often people from the past fail the DAFI test. Of course, there are old friends with whom it is pleasant to communicate even 20 or 30 years later. But if there are no common affairs or interests in the present, such ties are burdensome.
– Communication based only on the past is flawed and dead-end,” says Alexander Nekrasov, ”in such contacts people do not talk to each other today, but to models of themselves from the past. Forgotten behavioral patterns are activated, which creates discomfort. It’s hard to get rid of past connections, but sometimes it’s just necessary to move forward.
Clean up your friend feed
British anthropology professor Robin Dunbar once calculated that the structure of the cerebral cortex, regardless of sociability, limits us in managing social ties with about 150 people (the number 150 has gone down in history as Dunbar’s number). This rule, Dunbar believes, applies to social networks as well. Even if the user has 1500 friends, the person maintains contact with the same circle of no more than 150 people. A newsfeed littered with posts from random and unpleasant people steals time, spoils the mood, and distracts from the truly interesting personalities.
It is worth clearing your online space from those who post 10 messages a day, share negative information, regularly try to join you to some groups, calling you to their PR-actions or trying to sell goods. There are some annoying categories of frends, obsessed with their selfies, pictures of kids and posts about positive thinking – these are for amateurs. You can leave them out of anthropological interest.
Control impulses
A happy person is calm and does not seek thrills, says Svetlana Roiz.
– Behind excessive emotions, people hide from emptiness,” she explains. – There is such a test to determine the real internal state: the client is offered to write a text. There are a lot of joyful epithets in it, but if the verbs are singled out separately, they speak of depression. In addition, excessive adrenaline feelings, especially those that are specially bought, after a while give an emotional setback.
The philosophy of minimalism calls to restrain mainly negative impulses (irritation – a spoonful of poison!). But they should never be suppressed, it is more important to control the state, to include an outside observer, to breathe deeply in case of anything, so as not to act impulsively.
– The environment often provokes us into reactions that are harmful to our internal ecology,” says Alexander Nekrasov. – Question your first emotional impulses, pause, ask yourself if your life will become more whole and happy if you act under the influence of an impulse?
Get passionate about what’s important
There’s another effective way to free yourself from unnecessary communication and emotions-emptying them out with inspiring people and relationships. People in love have neither the time nor the desire to socialize with others, much less toxic personalities. Concentrating on important people and activities will leave no room for the unpleasant and random.
