Care and trust
These are different hypostases of love. Trust – recognition of the child’s qualities that entitle him/her to independent actions and deserved praise. Boys need it somewhat more than girls. It is important for them to get permission to tie their own shoelaces, jump over a puddle, and repair a radio for the first time in their lives. “I’ll do it myself!” – is a boyish demand that does not involve discussion and refusal. Otherwise you risk undermining his self-confidence. A certain freedom given to the boy, helps him to know the bitterness of mistakes, but to the same extent and the sweetness of success. The main thing – do not skimp on praise, if after a long puffing shoelace was tied. As a result, the boy gets a chance to become a man who can make decisions and take responsibility for them.
Caring is the ability to support a loved one in a difficult moment, a guarantee that loved ones are ready to be there for you even when you are not at your best. For girls, care is more important than trust, especially in early childhood. If for boys love is first of all recognition of their merits, then for girls – admiration for the very fact of their existence: “Well done! You have done so well!” – the words that boys are waiting for. “You’re the best!” – raptures that caress the girls’ ears. Attentive gaze, following every movement, and hands, ready to pick up, but still only clutching the machine left in storage – what a boy needs, for the first time climbing a high slide. Mom’s “careful, foot to the left, right” and dad’s guarding hands will give the girl in the same situation to feel loved, and therefore confident.
The road to loneliness
A girl who is little cared for and a boy who is not trusted feel a lack of love. How do adults behave when they are hurt by unloving people? A woman will say, “I can’t trust that person anymore.” Man: “I won’t do anything more for her.” The hurt woman denies the abuser trust in the first place. An offended man refuses to care.
So it is with children. Girls who are cared for can afford the luxury of trusting people and growing open-minded. Those who are left unsupported in times of need (unhappy love, a fight with a friend, etc.) feel discouraged and frustrated: with parents in particular and with people in general. Ignore the girl’s complaint that she is not doing well with her girlfriends or tummy ache, and you will see how sad her face will become. Don’t provide her with a dozen pieces of advice before her first train ride without Daddy and Mommy, and you’ll likely notice the confusion in her eyes.
Such a girl grows up distrustful and withdrawn. She has a hard time socializing. Growing up, she manages to find just the right man who is not able to take care of her. And if she is lucky, she will constantly suspect her life partner and try to prove him inattentive.
In extreme cases, when the lack of parental care is too obvious, girls are forced to suppress their trusting femininity. They form a “masculine” desire for absolute freedom, which can lead to a blind corner of loneliness. In this case, do not confuse the usual activity with a lack of femininity. A girl who is active, intelligent, able to stand up for herself may need care and understanding as much as a weak and vulnerable, i.e. “classic model”.
A boy who is trusted, allowed to decide and act independently, and then praised for a successful accomplishment, feels strong and capable of much. To hear even more praise, he looks for a way to realize himself and begins to take care of others. Did he screw in the light bulb? After encouragement, he will volunteer to nail up a shelf.
If he is deprived of the opportunity to show his independence, forcing him to do only what his parents want him to do (“be friends with Vasya”, “go to music school, not soccer”, “tie your shoelaces this way, not that way”), he loses faith in himself. The child may become moody, “lazy”. When everything you do is “not this and not that”, there is no interest and no desire to do anything at all.
Violation of the proportion in favor of care at the expense of trust is overprotection: “Don’t go there, you will fall”, “eat another cake, well, eat it”. This attitude to the boy gives at the output of the type of man known as a “mama’s boy”. He is very sensitive, charming in socializing. But his masculine traits were suppressed in childhood, and as a result, he struggles to meet the expectations of most women: to surround them with care, as they want.
Mother and son: fighting for rights
Naturally, when raising children, we strive to give them what we need ourselves. The mother will more easily surround the child with care, and the father will provide a credit of trust. Communication between parents and children of the same sex, as a rule, turns out to be more natural and harmonious. But with a child of the opposite sex, problems may arise.
Many mothers have to admit that, despite all their care and efforts, they have failed to win the respect of their sons. Every now and then, they have to call on the “last resort”: “I’ll tell my dad!” The reason is often that the mother, overprotective of the son and not letting him breathe freely, is constantly in conflict with his inner needs. Each of her orders or prohibitions becomes a mini-shock for him. If he is supported by his father and still develops in a “masculine” direction, then, defending masculinity, he will be forced to resist his mother and defend his rights, for example, to choose his own tie for a school party. Another way out is to forget mom’s instructions about what movies not to watch and with what girls do not get acquainted. If possible, men prefer to delete stressors from their memory like files from a computer – by simply pressing the “delete” button.
The son’s disrespect for his mom is more vivid when the father sets a bad example. Mom calls to the table, but dad and his son continue to watch soccer without reacting. This situation should be discussed with the husband, but never in front of the child. Mom’s complaint “you do not respect me” will be perceived by him as information that it is possible not to respect mom in principle.
“Daddy, you’re the best!”
Fathers have different problems in communicating with their daughters. A girl wants her father to be interested in her life, to ask how she is doing, not to turn away from the TV without listening to the answer, but to be ready to get into her problems and, if necessary, to take part in solving them. Fathers who take the first step toward their daughters and listen to them often fall back on the second. Often where she needs to cry and get his opinion, he offers a ready-made solution. For example, when he learns about problems with math, he immediately calls a tutor, without paying attention to the fact that his daughter is worried about her alleged stupidity, and without dissuading her from it.
It is not difficult to give your children what they need, regardless of whether they are the same sex or not. You just need to remember that in front of you is not just a child, and the future man or woman. And the boy’s mom should behave not as behaved with her when she was a little girl, but as she herself used to behave with other people, primarily with men: counting on their independence. The same applies to the dads of girls. You should be oriented not on how you were treated in childhood, but on what you know about the needs of women in general. For you habitually take care of them: to give a hand, carry heavy things, help in trouble? Show the same care for your own daughter and you will receive the highest reward in return: a hug around the neck, a kiss on the cheek and the words, “Daddy, you are the best!”
Shutterstock/FOTODOM UKRAINE photos were used
